Who doesn’t want the perfect relationship?

Someone who’s always there. Gives you constant validation. A great listener. But not too demanding. Someone you can share anything with. But who won’t intrude on your space. There when you need him or her. Makes herself scarce when you don’t. Allows you to feel independent. Yet you know he’s  got your back.

What if social media offered us all that, and more?

Sherry Turkle, in her now famous TedTalk, Connected, But Alone, presents us such a lover, friend, parent, therapist. On social media, we can get it all. Or at least, that’s what we think. According to Sherry Turkle, with our constant connection to technology we’ve become virtual Goldilocks, in search of the perfect mix of everything, not too much, not too little, just right.

Professor of the Social Studies of Science and Technology at the Massachusetts  Institute of Technology, Sherry Turkle has been studying the relationship people have with technology for over thirty years. A licensed clinical psychologist, with a PhD in Sociology and Personality Psychology from Harvard University, she is the founder of the MIT Initiative on Technology and Self, and author of numerous books exploring our relationship with digital culture, including: The Second Self , Life on the Screen, Alone Together , and most recently Reclaiming Conversation.

We think we can get it all

The way Sherry Turkle describes our relationship to technology draws to mind various fairytales where the protagonists  believe they’ve stumbled upon the perfect world, a dream come true, only to realize, or not realize fast enough, that they’re trapped in a nightmare that will take deep thinking, self-awareness, discipline, and courage to get out of.

Grant me three wishes

According to Sherry Turkle, social media offers us three gratifying fantasies. Almost like a fairy godmother who grants us three wishes, with social media we believe:

• We can put our attention where we want to.

• We will never have to be alone.

• We will always be heard.

Sounds great! What’s wrong with that?

But there are dangers to living in this fantasy world. For one, we can’t put our attention where we want to whenever we want without taking it from other areas where it’s needed. For work, for study, for our relationships, for respect of others. Sherry Turkle notably speaks of people who text at funerals, in board meetings, in class, parents texting while with children, who complain about parents texting while the children text too. Things, just a few years ago, we wouldn’t have dreamed of doing!

What did you say? My 8 seconds of attention ran out.

Even if digital natives may boast of the new skill wherein one can keep eye contact while texting, studies have shown attention spans are declining. In this infographic, Generation Z are said to have an attention span of 8 seconds. Is this due to some sort of neurological birth defect or are we seeing the results of shared attention? Perhaps fractioning out our attention in multiple directions at the same time isn’t as harmless as it seems.

Don’t ever leave me!

The second fantasy, that we will never have to be alone, at first sounds more like a blessing than a curse. Could social media finally be solving the problems of solitude and loneliness that plague so many people living in our modern cities or abandoned countrysides? Who could be against that? And indeed, the Internet has provided many people, especially during this Covid19 lockdown, needed connection and social interaction. However, if we listen to Sherry Turkle’s warnings, there is a difference between the rush of love we feel when we get a text from a cherished loved one, the sharing of meaningful exchanges that can occur online, and the constant need to be connected at all times via social media.

Solitude is necessary

Identity, according to Sherry Turkle, develops in those moments when we’re alone. It is the conversations that we have with ourselves when we are alone that create a sense of self.  If we do not cultivate the capacity for solitude, she warns, we will always be lonely.

We see loneliness as a problem technology can solve

We think technology means we will never have to be alone. It’s like “calling in the cavalry” she explains. Yet our constant need to be connected deprives us of those vital moments when, alone with ourselves, through self-reflection, our identity forms, our sense of self strengthens. This lack of time alone is even more detrimental to youths whose identities are developing. Without a strong sense of self, we reach out on social media to fulfil our identity needs, using others as “spare parts” she says. Further, we almost don’t feel ourselves exist unless connected. If, in the past, according to Sherry Turkle, we had a feeling and wanted to share it. Now, we share in order to have a feeling. It’s as if we need to share in order to even feel ourselves exist.

I share, therefore I am.

Sherry Turkle transforms Descartes’ famous, “I think; therefore I am.”, adapting it to social media with “I share; therefore I am.” In a context where our identities are fragile, our sense of self weak, we use social media to reassure us of our very existence. Sharing, looking for likes, soothes our existential anxiety. This soothing is, however, fleeting. Without a true sense of self, we find ourselves in constant need to be connected to others to calm our anxiety.

What does Narcissus have to do with it?

Where Turkle borrows Descartes, I will borrow Narcissus. In the Greek myth, Narcissus falls in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. So enamoured with his reflection, depending on the version of the myth you read, Narcissus either falls into the water and drowns, forgets to eat or drink and dies, or, even more alarming, loses his will to live and commits suicide.

What does Narcissus have to do with our tale of social media? Narcissus falls in love with his reflection in the mirror of the water. When we seek out others on social media as “spare parts” solely to fulfil our need for validation, to reassure us of our worth, whether it be in beauty, talent, intellect, popularity, we are as Narcissus searching for a reflection of ourselves in the mirror of our social media connections. If we use everyone we interact with on social media for this purpose, while they do the same in return, it’s easy to see how, as Sherry Turkle warns, one can quickly go from connection to isolation on social media. Looking for myself in you while you’re looking for yourself in me, we lose the ability for real relationship.  Enamoured with mere connection, our capacity for empathy and relationship suffers.

What’s in a conversation? Talking to, talking at, talking with…

With the last fantasy, that we will always be heard, we sacrifice real conversation for mere connection. Sherry Turkle recounts the words of a young man who wistfully told her:

“One day.

Some day.

Though not today.

I would like to have a real conversation.”

She repeatedly finds in her study that people are more and more shirking conversation for connection. Preferring emails to face to face conversation. Texts to phone calls. Choosing technology-mediated exchanges over real-life encounters.

When asked what’s wrong with real conversation, we are told:

Real conversation is messy.

You make mistakes.

You can’t edit or delete.

While in text you get to edit, retouch, delete.

Sherry Turkle laments, though, that it is precisely in these mistakes, when we stumble, that we reveal ourselves. She suggests that these are the more important moments in relationships.  If our relationships are reduced to technology-mediated exchanges where we share perfected versions of ourselves, it seems clear we would lose our capacity for empathy, tolerance or acceptance.

In a world where social interaction is mediated through social media platforms, where the only version of the other I see is the perfected, edited, montaged version, it’s no surprise our capacity for empathy suffers. Worse, our very  capacity to accept ourselves as we are – unedited, imperfect, real – is also in danger.

Sherry Turkle, however, suggests a solution. She talks of creating “sacred spaces”. Places where we do not bring our phones. Where we allow real conversation to flourish. Protecting these sacred spaces, such as the dinner table or anytime we find ourselves face to face in exchange with others, will help teach us to reclaim conversation, which is the cornerstone of human relations.

Further resources

Video resources based  on two of her books:

TedTalk, Sherry Turkle, Alone Together

Talks at Google, Sherry Turkle, “Reclaiming Conversation”

Los Angeles times article from 1995.

New York Times article from 2007.